How many times have aI tried lately to set my priorities and wonder where I want to get to? How many times did I try to sum up and extract? How many times have I tried to run towards truth? How many times have I asked myself where I am ? I am wandering in my own life and cannot find the direction. Cannot find the direction because I don't help myself. I haven't analyzed nor thought thoroughly about my life and wat I want to do with it. I haven't thought about towards where I want to head to. I've even lost most of my skills - like that of expressing myself. Cannot find a way... a way towards myself. I am not the same person. What could have changed me so much? How could have the real me disappear so quickly? And where? Could anybody tell me where I could find myself? The old me? No, don't, don't . I won't bear such a shame. I have an empty trunk? CAnnot stand it! Is it because of this world? Have they turned me into an empty trunk? But why do I blame the world? This is only MY fault... There is nothing in it.. I mean...it's all my fault.. Everything is all my fault. Hell. Yes, this is it! My punishment! To stand inf front of the people I know and to have them tell me where I went wrong and make me reproaches... Go, I would hate that. That would humiliate me and make me humble and fill me in. Fill me with my own sins. And when they're done judging me I would cry my sufference to the world. And then I would be what I have always thought I would: the eternal lunatic. The lunatic with his sins. With his blames and guilts. That must be a hell of a burden!!!
Am I preparing for somehting here? I wouldn't want to. I've always had what I wished for! Please, not this time. Here is my testimony: I know what I wanted THEN, but I know what I want now. And I want my wich to become null. How to do , help people when I only hurt them most of the times? Am I some kind of maladroit human species? Seems that I am. Just want to let you know that I am very clumsy when it comes to people and communicating. Somehow, this hasn't changed.
What have I done????????????
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