Whenever

The best solution.... writing. Whenever I feel down. whenever something doesn't work out. Whenever I've been left down. Whenever I have nothing to say. whenever I FEEL too much. Whenever I am alone. Whenever I feel alone. Whenever I am desperate and depressed. Whenever I have nothing to do. Whenever I feel like crying. Whenever I loose my self-confidence. Whenever I feel home-sick. Whenever I don't have money.Whenever I need talking to God. Whenever I'm sober. Whenever I have something to say. Whenever I want myself black on white. Whenever I miss myself. Whenever I have suicidal thoughts. WheneverI screw up. Whenever I feeel ugly and useless. Whenever I want to find myself. Whenever I miss Kuba. Whenever I'm upset with the world.Whenever is 19:44. Whenever Irving Stone or Isaac Bashevis Singer feed my thoughts.Whenever life is too much for me. Whenever................................................................

Prin perfectiune

CE este perfectiunea? CE inseamna a fi perfect? CE e perfect? Cine a inventat cuvantul, notiunea asta - (a fi) PER-FECT!

Poate Dumnezeu. A vrut sa ine faca sa intelegem ca nu o sa intelegem niciodata ce inseamna a fi perfect. Poate a vrut sa se descrie pe el, si a facut-o pe limba lui. Si incercam sa intelegem.

Tot incercam sa fim prefecti, da nu ne iese. Eu incerc tot timpul sa fiu mereu cu un pas mai aproape de perfectiune. DE fiecare data imi dau seama ca sunt mai departe decat atunci cand "am pornit".

Perfectionist - e cel care se straduieste sa faca totul perfect. Am incercat sa apropiem notiunea de specia umana, sau sa ii dam un sens mai omenesc. Sunt perfectionista? Sunt. Am intalnit perfectionsiti fericiti? Me tem ca nu. Incearca sa-si depaseasca conditia. Si care ar fi continuarea? Cunoastem multe cazuri... Ma rog, eu personal, nu cunosc. Vorbesc asa , in general... Intotdeauna mi-am dorit sa fiu un nebun, cu lumea mea la subrat. SA o port cu mine mereu, ca sunt vesel, ca sunt trist. SI sa imi alin tristetile cu nebunia mea. Sa fie un fel de medicament. DEci asa... sa fie medicament. Asta am vrut.... Sa pot sa spun: "Lumea mea e perfecta. Din pacate nu puteti constata acest lucru. E a mea. Si nu aveti aces decat daca puteti sa va inchipuiti ca sunteti .... Micul Print , sa zicem. De-adevaratelea." Atunci...poate o sa putem merge impreuna, in lumea mea perfecta.

Hei?

Unde sunt?

Am incercat sa ma simt perfect azi si nu am reusit. Poate ca lumea din jurul meu nu e perfecta mi-am zis. Asa mi-am zis azi-dimineata. Si am rasuflat usurata. Ahhh, nu e din vina mea. Si am mers mai departe. Insa am inceput sa reflectez. DE ce li se pare ca sunt atat de imperfecta? Oare pt ca sunt? (Am simitit cum oglinda s-a spart). SI unde e perfectionismul meu?

Cred ca de mult am incetat sa mai fiu perfecta si perfectionista - atunci cand am inceput sa fiu perfectionsita si perfecta. SI inca mai sunt. Imperfecta. SI o sa fiu mereu. O sa scap oare de teama asta? Ca o sa fiu mereu asa? Cred ca nebunii-n lumea lor sunt fericiti. SI cum as fi vrut eu sa fiu si perfectionista si nebun? Asta e inca o dovada ca nu pot fi perfecta...

Am incercat sa-i condman pe cei de langa mine de perfectionalitate. Cred a nu exista un astfel de cuvant. Nici o problema. Nici perfectiunea nu exista si doar exista termen pt ea. ... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! Mi-e somn de durere.Mi-e frica de lumina. Doare tacerea! Si eu incerc sa ii invinovatesc pe ceilalti. Eu am inceput deja sa fiu in lumea mea. Am cam luat-o inspre luminisul lumii mele. Sa caut perfectiunea, sau nebunia. Nu-i asa ca iarba-i perfecta?

The Tenerife Days

13 May 2008

I am sitting on this balcony watching the people go by, listening to the falling water in mini cascades (you cannot pretend not to hear this), listening to some news in Spanish, looking at the giant volcanic mount/pile of stones and thinking what tomorrow will bring.

Palm trees, sun, happy people, smiling faces, Spanish, English, almost anything at our disposal. It’s like a dream, like heaven. But it’s not. I know that on Friday I will be looking forward to going home (NOOOOOT) with all the memories, the timid tan and the souvenirs. I’ve always dreamt of such a vacation, to spend my time as I do but I always knew (at the same time) that I won’t be able to go on living for long something like that without the people. Those people. The ones I love, miss and long to be with.

Today, we visited the Mount Tiede This was a great trip, we drove around the island and we (of course) bought souvenirs. 100% tourists. :) Besides, we went to the beach and I swam for the first time in my life in the Atlantic Ocean.



14 May 2008

I was sun burnt to that extent that I ‘m not even sure if this is the correct date…. But I checked it quickly in my mind. I think it is. :)

Today was a full day as well. We went to give back the cars, we returned the keys, we paid and we went to the 9 o’clock meeting – the team building. This happened in a conference room. All the 83 Capgemini participants were gathered there, asked to draw a map for their group and to find a name for it i.e. the group.


15 May 2008

The one before the last day….