Tormenting thoughts.....October 18, 2006

I wish I could know what to do with me and with my state of mind and to find something to believe in. I find myself in Van Gogh's words " I am a failure", but the thing is that he found himself his balance, his "equilibrium" in painting. I don't know ehere to find it... Because I am looking and looking and it seems that I will never find that something that represents me... And it seems that I don't have that ambition... to go through with this, nor the will, nor the power.... It seems that there is an obsession that's haunting me. There's this feu incessant that doesn't let me breathe or stop from thinking. And this is the first time when I really NEED to be strong and I am opening my thoughts and my heart and put it here, on a plate. I looked for God, and tried to find him, to get an answer, to give me a sign but I am disappointed. Again, I can compare myself to Van Gogh, after tryng to be a minister (priest). Life's just unfair!!!!! And my knowledge is useless!!!!

Entry for December 30, 2006

feeling that my thoughts are going somewhere.... That there is a lot to say...if I find the perfect moment. My life in this moment is like that of a mole... Who knows what's inside, there, in her hiding? Well, it feels fucking terrible to be away from home, to have nothing to do, no job, no money, no friends, no Romanian being spoken around you, no table ready for dinner, no New Year specialties, no mum taking care of the baby, no time to think that Romania sucks (because it would be wonderful to be there now:( ) And no party that sucks (you think).... You just have Poland and a wonderful mantle of snow, Polish everywhere around, books in English, places not yet discovered, people not yet discovered, an AIESEC which cries for help and.... And think about it! No more empty thoughts or useless dreams! Now it't time for YOU! To make a change. To make things happen. I wish I had my friends here, with me... I wish I had Georgiana here with me, or Iulia or Irina or my mom and my family and stare at a warm sun and sing because I feel like doing that. And I wish I could travel inceassantly, to be a traveller "...to be one traveller, long I stood..." as Robert Frost used to say, and find a place in this world that doesn't confuse me or annoy me or irritates me..... A calm, warm, friendly, cosy place. But beware! What you wish for may become real!

Polska (POV 2005)

Sa incep cu inceputul. Pai am plecat cu trenul din Bucuresti nu la 6:06 cand trebuia sa plece, ci la 7:30 si Adela a fost martora acestei asteptari. Buuuun! Deci am plecat cu o ora juma intarziere. Am ajuns in vama, la Curtici, totul a fost bine. La fel si la unguri, si la slovaci si si la polonezi.Pana la polonezi, din Ungaria, s-a urcat o tipa din Gdansk, evidentemente poloneza si am inceput sa conversam. Fusese in Romania pt ca al. ei boyfriend e roman si mi-a dat niste info despre cum sa ajung din Polonia in Romania si invers. Am mai vorbit despre sit ec, pol. Soc, din Romania si Polonia si am ajuns la concluzia ca tara asta de langa Germania are oameni cu mentalitati diferite de ale noastre, oameni mai civilizati si de-asta se descurca mai bine. E ok. pana acum. Mai tarziu m-a ajutat sa pronunt cuvintele pe care le invatam di ghidul de conversatie, evident, in poloneza. Si m-a mai ajutat si cand a trebuit sa schiimb trenul in Cracovia, a intrebat la. Info desk cand am tren, m-a ajutat sa schimb niste euro in zloti si sa cumpar o harta turistica a Poloniei. Trenul nostru a avut intarziere 3 ore deci nu am mai prins legatura stabilita. M-am dus pe peron si am asteptat aproximativ o ora un tren care sa ma duca la Bielsko-Biala(care se citeste Bielsko- Biaua, ca ala nu e un „l” e un „l” cu accent). Punct. Si ea a mers la trenul ei nu inainte de a face schimb de numere de telefon si adrese de mail. Punct din nou. In tren, un batran mi-a cerut pixul in poloneza si evident ca nu am stiut ce vrea. Mi-a aratat, i-am dat pixul, a scris ceva si mi-a zis „Thank you, I love you”. Am zambit si am continuat sa admir cat de curata e tara asta, cat de frumoase sunt casele (si f. ingrijite) si cat de frumoase sunt fructele pe care le poarta numerosii copaci. Uitai sa va zic, asta e o regiune de munte, deci e cu atat mai frumos cu cat am hotarat ca o sa traiesc la munte. Gata cu comentariile. Sau nu. J OOOO, cum as putea sa uit? Trenul cu caream venit era un fel de personal, dar un personal f.f.f.f. curat si ingrijit si care avea niste toalete ce isi meritau cu prisosinta denumirea. Mare mi-a fost uimirea.

End of part I
31.08.2005

Augustana Muses

Entry for October 12, 2007

How many times have aI tried lately to set my priorities and wonder where I want to get to? How many times did I try to sum up and extract? How many times have I tried to run towards truth? How many times have I asked myself where I am ? I am wandering in my own life and cannot find the direction. Cannot find the direction because I don't help myself. I haven't analyzed nor thought thoroughly about my life and wat I want to do with it. I haven't thought about towards where I want to head to. I've even lost most of my skills - like that of expressing myself. Cannot find a way... a way towards myself. I am not the same person. What could have changed me so much? How could have the real me disappear so quickly? And where? Could anybody tell me where I could find myself? The old me? No, don't, don't . I won't bear such a shame. I have an empty trunk? CAnnot stand it! Is it because of this world? Have they turned me into an empty trunk? But why do I blame the world? This is only MY fault... There is nothing in it.. I mean...it's all my fault.. Everything is all my fault. Hell. Yes, this is it! My punishment! To stand inf front of the people I know and to have them tell me where I went wrong and make me reproaches... Go, I would hate that. That would humiliate me and make me humble and fill me in. Fill me with my own sins. And when they're done judging me I would cry my sufference to the world. And then I would be what I have always thought I would: the eternal lunatic. The lunatic with his sins. With his blames and guilts. That must be a hell of a burden!!!

Am I preparing for somehting here? I wouldn't want to. I've always had what I wished for! Please, not this time. Here is my testimony: I know what I wanted THEN, but I know what I want now. And I want my wich to become null. How to do , help people when I only hurt them most of the times? Am I some kind of maladroit human species? Seems that I am. Just want to let you know that I am very clumsy when it comes to people and communicating. Somehow, this hasn't changed.


What have I done????????????